by Ann Evanston | Feb 18, 2018 | Boundaries, Relationship
I write quite a bit about boundary setting in my blogs. I find this is a constant topic of conversation with women, whether I am coaching them individually, or leading a program, and even at my Women’s Self-Love Evolution Retreat.
Boundaries can be a challenge for many reasons, and it isn’t just a simple as telling someone it is your boundary. You have to be strong enough to make it your boundary. When you tell someone what your expectation is their reaction is typically not agreeable and positive. Even if they might say: “oh, OK,“ their actions don’t always match that.
I often hear women say they even get pushback when they try to set a boundary. They hear things like: “oh that’ll never work.“ or: “what are you thinking? Nobody does it that way!“
Our initial reaction can be to just give up. Your critic will turn on and rationalize that it just doesn’t work. Here’s what you need to understand:
- “The bad they know, it’s better than the good they don’t now.“
Soak in for moment. I said: “the bad they know is better than the good they don’t know.“ Humans are creatures of habit. We like predictability. We like knowing what’s going to happen next. And they already have a relationship with you. They already know what to expect.
So even if your new boundary is better for EVERYONE involved, they will push back. But sticking to your boundaries is your responsibility, not theirs.
by Ann Evanston | Feb 4, 2018 | Relationship, Self-worth
Love is a choice you can choose to love and be loved. To be a loving person. Love requires you make choices. The choice to be committed. To communicate. To be vulnerable. To sacrifice emotional safety.
Oh shit.
Yes, the greatest love is experienced when you risk being hurt. Betrayed. Let down. Disappointed.
Well fuck, THAT doesn’t sound like love.
It is. The more we guard and protect our hearts the harder it is to open up to love. Even receiving it.
I know some of you are saying: “ I will Ann, I am ready. When the RIGHT GUY comes along. The perfect guy.”
He doesn’t exist. No, Earl isn’t perfect! That’s also why I say find happy and then choose to love. ❤️
by Ann Evanston | Jan 28, 2018 | Relationship
While being introduced to be interviewed for a show, the woman had really done her homework on me! She said: “one thing I love about Ann that we have in common as she says that anything worth having is worth working on.“
I have said that for years. I can remember 20 years ago being in the seminar with hundreds of women and sharing that same thing. Anything, even a great relationship takes work. At a break a woman came up and said: “I work so hard every day. The last thing I want is to go home and work on a relationship.”
Guess how that’s working?!
The same holds true of “busy” and having time for love. Very busy people find and have love everyday. Very busy people make time for love. I once remember meeting a guy I really liked. He never made time. It made me realize he wasn’t interested in love. Because if you want it…you find time.
Also, too often we are so internalized in our “busy” we are energetically shut off in our day to day activities. Open the heart, ooze love all the time. ❤️
by Ann Evanston | Jan 21, 2018 | Relationship
It seems obvious to say that in order to have a fabulous, intimate relationship that you must communicate with each other. It seems obvious to say that in order to have the loving relationship you want that you must communicate well together.
Often what is not said is that communication also requires that you never assume. Always check in with your partner. Ask questions. Find out how they’re feeling. Listen even when you don’t feel like it. Listen when you’ve heard it before. Be empathetic. Get feedback.
Yes, even ask how you are doing. Ask what you can do to be a better partner. And really listen. Non-defensively.
This is a big part of why Earl and I created date night questions.
As couples, to have deep love and intimacy we have to ask questions and answer them versus come to our own conclusions. Now I am not talking questions like: “what do you want for dinner?”!
Go deeper. Ask the hard questions!
by Ann Evanston | Jan 7, 2018 | Intimacy, Relationship
Too often we can associate intimacy with sex. Not that sex can’t be wildly intimate, but there are other ways to achieve intimacy with your lover. And often the non-sexual ways create the deepest spiritual connection.
For example, this Christmas my husband and I chose to have a home spa day. The goal was simply to nurture each other, and our bodies. We chilled bottle of champagne, and I pulled out every lotion, and scrubber and facial I could find. We made sugar scrubs for each other as well, choosing an essential oil to scent them.
Wearing our robes, with a glass of bubbles, we went through a spa experience together. Deep conditioning our hair, polishing our faces, dealing with those feet! And lastly a full body sugar scrub and shower together.
No sex.
No, that wasn’t the rule! It’s just what naturally happened. Sharing together, talking, laughing, touching each other‘s bodies…scrubbing and cleaning each other. Those things created intimacy. A beautifully deep, soul felt connection.
Intimacy this more often about nurturing the other then it is taken care of your own needs. It’s about the ability to listen, see, touch, and feel. It’s about allowing yourself to be imperfect and complete at the same time.
by Ann Evanston | Dec 10, 2017 | Boundaries, Relationship
To be able to set healthy boundaries with friends, family, even work you must love yourself enough. I feel this simple statement can confuse some. I often hear: “I have no problem setting boundaries at home Ann, just at work.”
Is that because you feel safe to set them there? You know THEY will still love you?
Is the fear at work that “they might not like you?” If yes, then I ask: “Do you love yourself enough to be ok if someone doesn’t like you? Do you love yourself enough that being respected at work, with heathy boundaries, matters more?”
When you love yourself you also clearly know what your boundaries are and feel comfortable communicating them. If you struggle with WHAT they are it may be time to look into your self worth and why you believe you cannot have healthy boundaries.
